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| Hello my lovelies!
Its been.... forever now since I updated this thing. I almost forget I had it really. And after I told myself I'd totally use it to document my transitioning. *tisk-tisk* I don't remember why I stopped updating to tell you the truth. I could have been anything, a real lot has happened since november. I'll try and bring this up to speed.
Just before thanksgiving I went home for a weekend and my mother kicked me out of my house. It was really stupid beyond stupid if you ask me. She was mad because even though I was home at 1 in the afternoon, by the time she got home form work at 4:30 I was at mandiis house. She had expected me to go pick my sister up form piano but i had no idea. So she called me and bitched me out over the phone, telling me how much "shes trying to support me" but shes "done paying for my water bill and feeding me" and "i shouldn't do her any favors coming home". She never gave me a chance to talk so all I got in was if i was allowed to come home and she said no. So I ended up spending thanksgiving vacation with Mandii's family. I went back to college and only talked to my dad once out of necessity because of school loans. It was really depressing. I felt like my life was becoming meaningless.
Upon the arrival of Christmas break a month later I returned to Mandii's house and still was not speakign to my parents. I was really starting to fell worthless and alone even though I had Mandii. It felt like my entire past was about to be erased even more than it already was, because I couldn't see the last connection to ym past, my family. Plus, I still loved them, and I was really upset this wasn't working out with being trans and maintaining a healthy home life. In hopes of making up, I had pre bought and wrapped gifts for my family. My sister and i were communicating somewhat regularly around this time and so were were even able to get gifts for each other. She was like my last remaining hope lol. Anyways, a couple days before Christmas I called my house and asked if they wanted to see me for the holidays. They forced me to come home that night to "talk." It wasn't pleasant in the slightest. Besides refusing to admit that she kicked me out or ever said anything those things to me, my dad was being a huge dick head. We ended up getting into a huge screaming match and I ended up confessing all of my feelings to them that i've had for the past year or so. My father and I got into a huge back and forth and as I tried to leave the house at one point he shoved me backwards. Honest to god if I wasn't pumped up on estrogen and didn't burst out crying harder than i think i've cried since a child, I would have sent him to the hospital. But, all I could do in my state was shove him back out of the way and run outside. Outdoor screaming match ensued until my sister calmed me down. Shes so awesome, I love her. I ended up having dinner with them on Christmas eve in a really
gorgeous (if i may say so) dress I bought at boscoves lol. It was not
fun times. My father and grandmother wouldn't stop talking about me
being in a dress. I wanted to die.
I spent the rest of break at Mandii's house still. She got me a hamster for Christmas. It was an amazing gift and I love her and edward wong hau pepelu tivrusky iv so much. I went to my uncles for Christmas day with Mandii after we opened gifts at her house. It was fine. Everyone treated us nice. And instead of calling me by my birth name, they just didn't address me. On the last 2 days of break I had a incident with my father. He fucked his car on the ice and, after calling me and telling me he was kicking me off the insurance and to get my own, he tried to borrow my car for a month. Well, i pretty much said fuck that in the nicest way possible and My car is now with me here in philly. Not that i wanted to be mean, but I had a lot of things to take back with me, and mandii and hamster, so a bus was just out of the question.
After break we kinda made up and played nice family. When I came home I "stayed" at their house. But I still slept at mandiis because that's just what we do. And to that regard, I still sleep at mandiis and 3 months later we still are playing nice with each other. My sister is the only one who calls me Anna, they still refuse pretty much to call me that. My mom does it in sarcasm every once in a while, but my dad hardly talks to me. Home life is G-R-E-A-T! >=\ Idk
On less family related things and more trans related things, i think I pass a lot better now that I did 3 months ago. I generally don't have any confidence issues in public as long as i have my hair straightened and at least cover up on. The cover up's just cuz i hate my skin. And my voice, although not perfect, is a lot better and easier to pull off now than it ever was. In fact, I successfully trick people on the phone who call me about like insurance and stuff, and My Aesthetics teacher had to pull me out of class and ask what gender I was and what name i wanted to be called by. It was the greatest thing ever. I really super need a haircut though, mine is just out of control. I think i'm going to get something with bangs. I think it'll be cute. Also, I need summer clothes cuz i only have 4 skirts. Not cool.
Not all fun and games though cuz about a month ago me and my friend david went to a rave up on Girard st. Of course we looked like two whores lol, but in the super sexy way. Xp But we had to take the subway, and there was a group of like 20 teenage black children riding with us. And our attire drew just a bit too much attention to us and the realized i had an adams apple. Well, they immediately started screaming, and i mean screaming, and point that we were two "niggas," two dudes, etc etc. I honestly thought we were going to be raped and killed. It was horrible. But that party was fun so it was okays.
Ooh! And my boobs are like officially a A cup now. Its so exciting! lol. and I dont have to shave my legs like ever. Its so nice, i use the hate that. Thats all i ahve to say about that lol *blush*
I kinda have a tranny apprentice now too. Its neat. She hasn't come out to her parents yet. I feel so bad for her, I remember that was the hardest and still is the hardest thing i ever did. Shes really cute though. And, I think with a little bit of blush and a good hair styling, shed pass without effort lol. Kinda like Mandii, lucky bitches. *sticks out tongue* But anyways, shes really awesome and I'm so happy I met her and i'm super glad to be able to help someone now that my life is kinda settling down a bit.
I'm going to change my name soon too. The Mazzoni Center does it for free apparently so that's super awesome. I decided on a complete name too. It's going to be Annabella Shion Farino. I wanted a more formal name than Anna, so thats why my first name was extended. And shion was a suggestion by David that I later heard in an anime I enjoyed, and decided I liked it enough to make it my middle name.
Well I think that's all. I prolly forgot a whole shit ton, but its okay. I left out a lot of hardships with me and mandii, but it was on purpose so that they stay in the past. <3
Love you all,
Annabella Shion Farino
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| I've come to the realization, that I can no longer look back on my past. And you might be thinking, good going, look towards the future. But I mean this is a completely negative way. I can no longer look back and remember old times, be nostalgic, and think about the fun times we've all had. Because eventually I get to a point where 1) I realize I was a boy then and 2) there was so many fuck up situations in my life that I can no longer mentally deal with. For example, I use to like this girl. We went out for but two 2 week periods. I thought she was the greatest person in the world and we were like best friends. Well... I don't speak to her anymore because all she really was was a screw up in my life. I wasted over a year of my life being depressed over not being able to have her. || Major fucked up life experience two. I met a kid in junior year of highschool. We were both boys. He liked me so much that i would have been blind and senseless to not notice. And I liked him too. In fact, I liked him so much that even though I denied it for 2 years, he became so much of a factor in my life that he might as well been my conjoined twin. I did absolutely nothing without considering the effect it would have on his actions towards me. However, I wouldn't allow myself to admit to liking him. I would get over the fact we were both boys. I carried on this silly charade until he stopped liking me enough to try anymore. Sexual frusration ensued at this point for abut 3/4ths of a year until we almost stopped being friends because we fought so much. Eventually after almost 3 years, I admitted i liked him (now a her) and she turned me down, in probably the most selfish horrible heart shattering way possible. Friendship almost ended a 2nd time. I hate to say it but this 2nd mistake still effects me today. I can feel a difference, it will never be the same.
Almost 5 years of my life, consumed with fucked up, unnecessary silliness. Can I say that I'm not happy with the way things turned out? No. Were nor dating almost 2 and a half months. Were both out of the closet on being transsexual. Life is, for the most part, good. However, I have realized, I can't keep thinking about these things. recently, the more i think about them, the more i become upset with my stupidity, to the point where I cried myself to sleep last night. The amount of pain people caused in my life, and in turn, the amount of pain I caused in other peoples life is far to much. No pain should ever be caused to the people I've hurt for they are all way to good of people to hurt. Do you see the cycle of depression?
I had a good Halloween. Spent the whole weekend pretty much with Mandii. I love being with her. I know she wouldn't like it, but if we were stranded on a deserted island for the rest of our lives, as long as I was with her, it wouldn't matter. I love her so much. We carved an amazing pumpkin together. And then baked the seeds. *mmm* And I dragged her to see Paranormal Activity with me. That was a mistake cuz then I couldn't sleep lol. I hate ghost movies. But, all in all, very nice cozy weekend.
(in this next section, jen would like me to mention, how my "period" is caused by a pill and not real, like the one a genetic female would have. I would't want to confuse anyone into thinking I was serious, its all just a side effect.)
Um... trans related. 1) I have boobs. They're so tiny lol, but... they're there. I cant stop feeling them. I hope no one sees me lol. 2) I am in the middle of having my first period. Ugh... thank fucking god i'm not bleeding because i think it would throw me over the edge. I'm so fucked up and strung out. I literally keep crying for no reason. I sat down at my laptop this morning and cried. I turned the shower on and thought about something and cried. And i'm all fucking cramped up. All my muscles hurt. Fuck this, seriously. The first week of every month is apparently kneing to be hell from now on. FML lol
<3,
-Anna
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| Idk why I titled this whore, it's not really related...
Anyways, so my week is at an end. FINALLY! All I have left is an hour of work tomorrow morning and I'll be on my way to seeing my wonderful girlfriend who I miss so much. Woot! I had two midterms this weeks. A sociology and a geometry. I think I did fairly well on both of them. Lol, I was horribly sick when I took my sociology one though. I got a crazy migraine after audio class yesterday and couldn't see and almost threw up. But I toughed it out and was able to take the test. And this morning I drew pretty diagrams for answers to every question, she likes them, so I think I got at least a B.
I started carrying a purse around with me this weeks too. I had been wanting to for a while, pretty much since Holly had given me her old one forever ago. But I just got the courage to do so this week. I think it's helped in random strangers realize I'm a girl. Or at least confuse them more. I hear the "whats that? its a girl? It is? Idk?" all over the place still. But, it's better than, omg you see that boy in the dress top. Fuckers. I hate people on the street. They're so rude. They'll say shit standing right next to you. Like come on, grow up and have some manners. Idk. I enjoy carrying my purse though. I can keep all my things in it instead of my pockets, its so convenient. =] And lets not forget my boobs. They're still rly tiny, and they still hurt a lot. What's good though is that before I just had sore nipples and now I actually have very tiny breasts. It's exciting. Well, I'm excited lol.
I'm going home this weekend as mentioned before. I'll be missing two parties here in Philly, My friends Cat and Jess's party tomorrow night and then the one here at our apt on Halloween. It kinda sucks because I have a feeling I'm going to be disappointed in the halloween celebrations back home. Apparently there's nothing yet planned. You'd think someone would have come up with something or had interest to at least. I'd totally have mandii come down here this weekend if I didn't have to either drive or pay for her bus. Meh, it's kinda unfortunate. But I love and miss her too much to even think about not coming home. Spending Halloween eating candy and watching scary movies with here will be fine if that all we do. =] I do hope somehtings going on tho cuz I totally have a new cat girl outfit. Haha.
Hope you have a spooktacular Halloween!
-Anna
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| As you know, I've been on hormones for almost 3 weeks now (it'll be 3 on monday). More specifically three weeks on spiro, the testosterone blocker, and two weeks on estradiol, which is the estrogen. As obvious, nothing happened at the immediate start to taking these two things. My stomach became upset a li'l the first week, but that's all. However, over the past 4ish days or so (or at least 4 days of not thinking its in my head) my nipples have been hurting like a bitch. Like literally, they've been hard for like 3 days straight now and they're really sore to the touch. I can like, feel my clothes on them and stuff. It's so odd... BUT IT'S SO AWESOME!!!!I'm so excited to know that its starting to work. Hopefully in a month from now I'll have tiny li'l 12yo boobs haha. Hopefully this means my weight is going to be distributing properly now too so I can stop feeling bad about eating food. Cuz... I generally like food lol.
Nothing really worth mentioning happened this week in school. Um... I lost my flash drive on wednesday. Left it in Audio class. Kind of fucked myself over because I had a website saved on there that I needed to code for Tuesday. I'll have to do that again. Other than that, nothing.
I got all dressed up for a rave last night. It was Splatter House, thrown at the 941 theater over on front street. Well... I looked really appropriate for the rave, however in real life I also looked like a hooker. Lol. I think I upset mandii because of that. I'll tell you what though, walking down Spring Garden looking like a hooker, not cool. I'm more than pretty sure someone followed me for a block when I got off the subway, until I turned onto the main street. Scary shit. AND! The rave got busted before I even got there. Apparently the venue didn't have the proper liquor license to have 18yo's in the same room as the alcohol. News crews showed up and everything. Pretty stupid. SO I risked my life and got all whored up for nothing. LOL, I came back home and had 2 glasses of coke n rum though and it was all fine.
On the other side of the fence. I still really miss my girlfriend. I still hate being so far away and only seeing her every other weekend. It really does kill me on the inside a little bit. But, we've been having a lot better communication lately. Shes been talking to me more and I've been calling her more. So that's all good I believe. I just hope she gets a job still, cuz shes still just bummin it around the house doing nothing but watching anime. Shes really gonna screw herself over if she doesn't get her life in order. I really don't want to see become homeless or anything. <3
Love and Kisses,
-Anna
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| So last week kinda sucked. Not much interesting happened. It was super stressful being away from Mandii and really had me pulling my hair out by Friday. Her life went kinda sideways and she stopped talking to me a lot for some reason which made me over think like every little thing that either happened or didnt happen in most cases. It continued on into the weekend, maybe because i over exaggerated issues a bit, but none the less there were some actual issues. She had be starting down a track of a one sided relationship which never works. However after I had a bit of a nervous breakdown on Sunday, I pulled her aside to talk to her and we worked it all out and its fine now. Shes really new at the relationship thing and being someones first is hard so I understand a lot but still, some things needed to be mentioned. Other than that we had a decent weekend together.  After I missed my 5:30 bus on Friday cuz of rain, I had to wait in the station till 7:30 which was uber boring. It meant I didn't get in scranton till 11pm. We went to nicks and then back to her house to sleep. Then Saturday we went to a party at Melissas and that was okay. There was a lot of people there we didnt know. After that we went to her house and i was sickish so I went to bed and ppl were supposed to come over but they didnt and mandii had a breakdown. So we stayed up most of the night comforting her and such, it was cuddly. And sunday sucked a bit cuz we got split up and that when i got upset but cuddling in the car was nice. And that's all for the weekend.
Technically its been a week since I've been on complete hormone treatment. I'm taking 200mg of Spiro and 4mg of edtridol a day. I'm not supposed to have been on the estridol or the extra 100 of spiro but whatever I wanted them. However, i saw the doctor today and he increased my prescription dosage to 200mg and I recieved a prescript for the estridol. Which is awesome! Hopefully within a month from now I'll have tiny ass 12yo sore nipples. lol I'm super excited! Mandii it totally at that stage now and I'm kinda jealous, but happy for her at the same time of course. I haven't really noticed much of a change in me over the last week but I'm assuming i will shortly throughout the next week or so. And I'm taking a picture of me every Monday from now on to document the changes. Woo!
Today I found out I have a stalker. His name is David and he goes to my school and he looks like a fucking girl without even having to try. Which is kinda interesting to me, like that hes stalking me not that he looks like a girl so much. I'm like super jealous of him. But yeah, so he found me on facebook and apparently has been finding me on campus all the time and shit. He flat out told me he thinks im cute and wants to get in my pants. And all kinds of other stuff. And he swares hes gonna steal me from mandii and whatever but... i think thats impossible since I only like chicks and trans girls. I mean hes cute and all, but hes a boy. Idk, point is not getting me. Its kinda fun to constantly recieve compliments and hardcore affection though. SO WEIRD! lol
Yay!
-Anna
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